A New Paradigm of Family Ministry

In our most recent posts, we’ve been exploring the failures of traditional children’s and youth ministry and discussing what a more Biblical pattern might look like. If we are to truly embrace a more bold and effective template for youth ministry, we must first recognize that parents, not youth ministers, should be the primary spiritual mentors for their children. The church must also realize that its ministries should be divided among family lines rather than age demographics. Further, a truly successful youth ministry must involve the equipping of parents to fulfill the mentorship role for their children.

As previously discussed, it’s clear that “just add water” youth events and whimsical play areas do little to impact our children’s long term spiritual growth. Rather, the spiritual growth of our children always begins in the home. With this in mind, former youth pastor Ray Baumann once made a startling statement: “Youth ministries would be unnecessary if the believers took their mandate to parent seriously.” He goes on to say, “the last place I want my kids to hear about Jesus is on Sunday.” The most important life lessons that children need to learn are impressed upon children by their parents “along the road”, imparted to them in the context of daily living and through a loving mentoring relationship (Deut. 6:7). This is consistent even with the teachings of Jesus, who conducted some of his most meaningful discussions with his disciples between events, “along the road” to their destinations. Research among adolescents confirms these ideas: studies show that the more often families eat together, the better their moral, spiritual, and academic outcomes. How ironic that family meal time together, a far better indicator of our children’s spiritual outcomes, can often be pushed aside by social events at the church! Rather than busying our children with a myriad of church programs, sports, or other extracurricular activities, perhaps our children’s long term spiritual vitality would improve if we as parents simply spent more time with our children and took seriously our mandate to instruct them in God’s ways.

It is beyond dispute that no one can raise our children “in the nuture and admonition of the Lord” to the same extent that parents are able, youth pastors included. Yet, as any Christian parent will attest, this mandate is not an easy task. Our natural inclination, when feeling overwhelmed by such a responsibility, is to defer to the “faith specialists” in this area. It is certainly easier to let a faceless program disciple our children than to do it ourselves, even if that program does have a high failure rate. Too many parents feel they have neither authority or wisdom to offer their teenage children. Consequently, many Christian parents have come to believe that raising up their children to love Jesus simply means dropping them off at the various youth events the church offers, with hopes that these efforts alone will foster their spiritual growth.

But what does it look like to really disciple our kids, then? If age segregation and outsourcing to specialists isn’t the answer, what would a better option look like? I believe it starts with the church’s efforts to build into the family as a whole rather than the child as an individual. Its efforts to reach the younger generation must primarily be aimed at bringing the family together in a manner that bridges the generational gaps between its members. Above all, it attempts to make the family the highest priority within the church without the use of age segregation.

For instance, instead of a weekly service that is designed solely for adults, a more organic meeting is a great first step. Rather than avoiding our children in hopes they don’t distract us, children are free to contribute in an organic meeting, as families are able to share in the experience together. In all church endeavors, both Sunday morning meetings and beyond, this church would seek to provide shared experiences for all members of the family collectively.

Second, a new template for family ministry involves a family oriented approach to serving. This new paradigm attempts to divide church ministry into teams of families rather than teams of age demographics. Instead of separating serving projects according to age segments, the church’s serving events are separated into teams of families. This allows parents and children to share in the experience together, and allows parents to demonstrate to their children first-hand what the gospel looks like in action. Families are encouraged to pioneer their own methods of serving the community, in schools, in their neighborhoods, in parks, and on the streets. Youth ministry is not pre-programmed by religious specialists, but is engineered by families and children rising up to meet the challenge. This family oriented model of serving would foster the building of authentic gospel values within the family unit to a much greater extent than traditional models.

Thirdly, this view of family ministry would seek above all to protect and proclaim the value of family time together. The American family has so little time together today; why disrupt family time for the sake of church events? Rather than robbing families of their precious time together by replacing it with church programs, this new paradigm of family ministry recognizes the sanctity of family time. A truly family-based ministry approach must make family time a primary value of the church. This stands in stark contrast with a culture that values busyness over depth and honors production over intimacy.

This list is by no means exhaustive. Part of this new approach to family ministry recognizes the limitless possibilities in this pursuit, and empowers both parents and children to rise up and bridge the gap so prevalent in families today. Ultimately, the answers to these needs of our families will not be answered by youth ministry experts but by teams of father and daughter, mother and son. As relationships are built between parents and their children, and between the church and its children, our children’s long term spiritual growth will be positively affected. I believe that such a grass-roots, participatory approach to “bridging the spiritual gap” within families will produce fruit in our children’s lives as no age-segregated model is able to do.

In agreement with these concepts, Tracy Waal said this after 14 years of youth ministry: “Personal experience in youth ministry shows me that the #1 indicator of a teen’s spiritual longevity and commitment is the degree to which parents are involved in their kid’s spiritual development. The #2 indicator is the degree in which a teen connects with an older spiritual mentor outside the youth group.” A successful new paradigm for youth ministry must serve to make both of these relationships a reality.

The Failure of Age Segregation

In previous posts, we’ve discussed the failure of traditional paradigms of youth ministry. The reasons for its shortcomings are myriad , but none of them is larger than the age segregation that these ministries employ . Today, instead of the church becoming a church for families, the church has increasingly sought to appeal to each family member as individuals rather than collectively. There is church for children, church for high schoolers, and church for adults. On the surface, this separation according to age seems innocent, even necessary, but think of the division it causes within a church. Unintentionally, too often these ministries have become “churches within a church,” each having its own niche in the market but seldom, if ever, crossing paths with one another.

These divisions, unfortunately, create unique problems within the church, none larger than the trouble our youth eventually have in assimilating into the church at large. Our kids feel comfortable and at home in youth group, but the longer they’re in youth group, the more “adult church” seems like a foreign land. Though they feel to be part of the youth group, they don’t feel like part of the church at large. Our churches end up thus being a microcosm of our society at large, where teenagers have become a strange subculture of which adults are desperately afraid. As Tracy Waal says, “We have invented a foreign species called Teenager. They live in ghettos called Schools. A few of them visit Christian ghettos called Youth Groups on weekends. We are afraid of what is becoming of this species, but all our answers seem to revolve around throwing more resources at the development of the ghettos.”

This division where both parties seem distant from one another, if not afraid, is the natural conclusion of age segregated ministry. If neither group rubs shoulders with one another, how can we expect any other outcome? Further, when such a gulf exists between “youth church” and “adult church,” why should we be surprised when our kids leave youth group and never come back to church? After spending years tucked away in the nursery and youth group, they largely see “adult church” as being alien and irrelevant to their lives once they graduate from their age-segregated cloister known as “youth group.” Sadly, our kids never end up seeing the church at large as theirs to begin with.

Many youth leaders have made these observations of the deleterious effects of “age segregation” so prevalent in the church today. Youth today are in desperate need of mature Christian influences, but kids church and youth group is structured in such a way that this mature influence is difficult, if not impossible, to come by. As a result of this isolation and segregation in their younger years, many believers who were raised in these traditional programs report that their knowledge of the mature Christian life remains incomplete even into adulthood.

As Dennis Muse, leader of The Crowded House reminds us, Jesus never said “'let the little children be packed away in the nursery” but rather He said, ‘let the little children come to me.’” Try to imagine, if you can, the children being led to Children's Church during the Sermon on the Mount. Such an idea is ridiculous! As integral parts of the body of Christ, should our children be segregated from us, or should they be part of our gatherings, free to worship Christ in the same manner we are? Is not children combining with their parents to worship Jesus far closer to God’s heart than our age-segregated inventions?

Are children really a deterrent to our own spiritual development as adults? Perhaps our children can instruct us about God as readily as we can instruct them. Jesus said that “unless you are like a little child, you will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven.” Maybe Jesus really meant what he said, and our children have so much more to offer us spiritually than we as sophisticated adults might realize.

Further, the church as a whole needs to take seriously its mandate to provide spiritual leadership for the next generation to follow Jesus. This can’t be done by a faceless program, but must be done by every member of the church. Every member of the church must recognize that it is not only the job of those “called to youth ministry” to raise our children, but is the responsibility of each and every member of the Body of Christ. Both children and adults both need each other if they are to grow spiritually; adults need children to edify them and draw them closer to God, and children need adults to provide the mature leadership they so desperately need.

It would seem, then, that such an attitude of ministry to our children would preclude “age segregation” that is so prevalent in today’s churches. Imagine, if you will, a church where adults, children, and teens are integrated together as one as part of Christ’s body. Imagine a church where children are exposed to the real needs of the community at large, are encouraged to pray for them, and rejoice when God intervenes on their behalf. Imagine a church where children serve the poor alongside their parents and truly make a difference in the world outside the church’s walls. Imagine a church where our kids are surrounded on Sunday mornings by an extended family of spiritual aunts, uncles, and cousins. Imagine being a part of a church that truly is a church for people instead of a church for segregated market segments. Perhaps this would be the beginning of a revolution in youth ministry in our midst that is long overdue.